A little of the night

There was a time I wrote a lot. Not because I had a calling, not even because I had a flair. In retrospect, it was perhaps a self-fulfilling prophesy that circled around my gift, or perhaps, my curse of being born with too much in the department of emotions.

Even from a very tender age, I have always seem to be feeling a lot stronger towards any and every thing. My awkwardness at dealing with these overloads of emotions oftentimes resulted in either catastrophic outburst of anger or embarrassing barrage of tears, making me a very unpopular boy amongst friends and family. My tumultuous ride of feelings carried me into my teens, crescendoed in my first encounter with love, or what I thought was love.

Maybe it was God's Design, that in the darkest moments, utterly lost in the maze of a raging thunderstorm of emotions, I found my release in writing. Even though my grasp of the language did not offer the entire spectrum of expressive arsenal sufficient to do justice to the depth of my emotional turmoil, I was able to get to the point with the simple words...simple words that resonates with the song of my heart...

The fundamental theme that transcended my words, throughout all my works, was simply a love unrequited...questions unanswered and a future unbeknownst. For a man obsessed with the incessant search for the ideal love, I was never more lost. It was a time I started sleeping late, seeking solace in the blanket of darkness that night offered. In the darkness, the world around me suddenly disappeared, shrinking into the point where there was only me, my thoughts and the sentimental number that filled the empty void with a warmth that was only mine. As the melodic waves soothed the frayed ends of my raw nerves, my words would gush forth, bringing with it a little part of my heart...

* * * * *

"...You don't know...I love you..."

The last verse was sang out amongst the backdrop of a melacholic sax...and all I can see in my mind's eye is the heartbreak on her face...

It was times like this I feel like thanking my Creator, for filling my heart and the heats of all with the one thing that make us all human...

Beauty...?

Never thought that I would actually like Korean movies, as I have always dreaded those artificial tragedies which seemed to peppered all over Korean soaps. However, ever since "Volcano High" and "Windstruck", the comedic treatments Korean movies brought to serious issues gradually began to grow on me.

You will laugh, you will cry and after the movie, you will think about it. The latest one I saw goes by the name "200 pounds beauty", a movie that deals with the primordial conflict between inner and physical beauty.

Of course, having cute Korean babes helps.

* * * * *

"Why do you like her?" The guy was asked. "Because she's beautiful?"

Guy gave a shrug. "Only losers like you would say that..."

"Then why?" He was cornered. "Because of her innocence?"

"Hmm...," Guy sighed. "Only losers like me will say that."

* * * * *

No matter how we try to evade it, the truth remains that man, ultimately, is a tortured, self-contradicting creature. Nothing exposes this as much as the perception of beauty.

Deep inside, we all know that beauty is only skin-deep and we all would really like to say, with crystal clear conscience, that our love goes way beyond the superficial, beyond the looks, beyond the figure, all the way into the very fabric of her innermost, her nature and her soul.

However, when push comes to shove, when what looms before you becomes a gigantic globule of 200 pounds worth of good nature, you are suddenly not sure anymore. In place of a gorgeous, good-natured girl, all you suddenly see now is a humongous blob of a woman. Yes, good-natured as it is, you only see a humongous blob of a woman.

For the instrospective guy, the basis of his love is suddenly casted into the worst possible doubt: Was he in love with the body or the person? Is the person lesser without the body? Will he fall in love with the body of a different personality? As he traverses the entire continuum of this thinking process, the question becomes ever more philosophical, bringing him towards the enormity of doubt that culminated in Descartes' famous quote "I think, therefore I am".

Personally, I think there can never be a straight answer, especially for people at different stages of the love continuum (infatuation->madly-in-love->just married->marriage in the golden years). However, broadly speaking, the relative importance one places on the body should gradually diminish as he moves from left to right on the continuum of love.

Having said all that, it is almost certain that physical beauty will continue to weigh heavily as a criteria for the ideal girl, and I would reckon that this is due, in large part, to its ephermeral essence. Finally, I will be lying with a straight face if I were to say that physical beauty is NOT important at all, but to me, it serves only to bring you through the door, beyond which it will be the fundamental character that continues hone the entire beauty of a person. Without good nature, physical beauty will only head south from there. In other words, my ideal girl is one whose physical beauty is amplified by her inner qualities, of which innocence and kindness ranked amongst the tops.

I think I would gladly trade places with the delivery man to have the gorgeous and kind Hanna (played by Kim Ah Joong) fuss over my fall...

I think you understand...