Irritating Day

It's 1:45am.

Grudgingly I decided to close down the MS Outlook, knowing full well that I have not completed all that I need to do. Why am I feeling this way after all these years of slogging? I want to build the mother of all clocks that will lay the foundations for the way high value manufacturing is going to be done in Singapore for the next decade!!!

Okay, I'm sprouting nonsense already...the night is getting old...hormonal debalancing...synapses not connecting...brain neurones flaring rubbish signals...

I should sleep soon.

Okay, I should sleep now.

Good night.

Bro...You are not alone...

Tonight, I had a talk with my younger brother and it broke my heart.

I know the last 2 years have been tough and it was never his style to let others into his inner feelings, being the big man like he has always been. Pride is the wall he has built around the pained and battered soul that was once innocent, hopeful and warm...

I suddenly felt like crying, besieged by a foreboding sense of hopelessness that I know he now lives with, of which I am also certain that there is no way I, nor anyone for that matter, can ever seek to empathize or understand.

In my mind, memories started to run amok...maybe it was me trying to piece up the enormity of the entire situation, of a life hanging in limbo, seemingly losing all anchors to humanity...my brother's life. I suddenly found myself back in Primary 3, on the very first day of school, my mum's words ringing in my ears..."Take care of little bro...it's his first day of school..."

Everything stopped.

Frozen in my mind's eye are images of all the instances I believe I had failed my mum's request...from his decision to skip junior college, to his eventual sign-on with the forces, I had not been there...for him.

I had not been a good brother, had been too focused on my own needs within my own little world. I did not do enough and really hoped that I could have done more. Alas, as much as I want to go back in time and right wrongs I thought could have led to perhaps better present or future, but I know I can't, I know there is no way anyone can...

But if there is one thing I can do...one thing I want him to know...is that...Bro, you are not alone...

The past is gone and the future is yet to be... There are still many more good years to come and if the path is bumpy and difficult now, know that your journey will not be a lonely one. Even though we can never know how you feel inside, no matter how we can try, know that it is not for us to know...but for us to journey this path with you...

I believe you know that...deep inside, only now, I ask you to...believe.

Bro, you are not alone.

Cold vs Flu

With the global H1N1 pandemic raging across the world and imported infections giving way to local spreading, it's fast becoming a taboo to tell anybody that you are getting running nose and headache. Before you know it, you might even get stoned if you get too near somebody.

I think we should all guard ourselves against over-paranoia. While we still have to protect ourselves against flu infection through clean hygienes and a general healthy lifestyles, it's not saying that you should start ostracising anybody with running nose, which might just be the common cold!

Knowledge is important and we should be enlightened enough to keep ourselves informed on the latest, or we will just degenerate into the mindless hordes you see on B-grade horror movies killing so called infected just to stay alive. Vaguely remembering this news report on civilians stoning a bus carrying suspected infected to the hospital and we all know what desperation can drive normal humans to in the wake of Hurricane Katrina.

Do you see yourself like that?

Why me?

Superstition ≠ Faith

We do not manipulate God

God is always with us

Shit happens. If it hasn't happened to you, don't be smug, it just means that you have not lived long enough for that to happen...yet.

Many a time we lament when bad things happen. "Why me... I've been a good person. I don't do illegal things, I'm usually honest, how come Ah Beng down the street who engages in bookie activities gets to drive the big Mercs, bed the hot chicks and dine at Equinox..." are some of the daily complaints you hear about, perhaps from the person in the mirror.

So, depending on what we believe in, most of us will turn to higher forces for support and guidance. A simple question I always ask, both to myself and others alike, "Do you believe in _____(fill in whatever that's applicable)? If so do you think that _____ had allowed for this to happen? If so shouldn't you be more patient, focus on your sphere of influence, do what you can and for those you cannot control, to have more faith/burn more joss sticks/have your fortune told (delete where applicable).

For those who belong to organizations who put their faith in One God, I have this little teaching to share. Of course don't read too much into it.

In 1 Samuel chapter 4, the Bible talks about the war between the Jews and the Philistines, where the chosen race was routed, not once but twice at the hands of the Philistines.

In the first battle, the Jews, having lost 4000 men, decided to bring into the camp the ark of the covenant of God, thinking that this will bring victory to them. What's interesting here is that the ark is merely a container for the tablets of God's Commandments, but to the misguided Jews, it has become a lucky charm, a power-up or even a magic wand that they hope can be used vanquish the enemies. The basis of faith in God became faith in a piece of earthly creation...otherwise called superstition.

The second battle turned out to be even more dismal than the first, not only did the Jews lose 30,000 foot soldiers, so did both sons of Eli, head priests Hophni and Phinehas, and even the ark was captured by the Philistines. A very dismal picture indeed. So, did God forsake His chosen ones? On the contrary, I believe the Jews had forsaken God, in their superstitiously misguided beliefs that they can manipulate God's Will through earthly actions.

How often did you hear wealth and health gospels which promised the world for believers, where all you need for a good life is to enter into a relationship with God? How often did somebody have you believe that the physical act of baptism and offering begets good returns, to the point that one becomes increasingly deluded to believing that God's Grace can be manipulated. It is always easier to be the herald of good news than the harbinger of doom and simple folks, like me, love good news, like to feel inspired, crave for something to believe in. To the extent that I may subjugate my intelligence to misguided faith, to superstition. I suddenly see images of fervent hordes raising their right hand towards the swastika and young brats brandishing little red books.

Finally, we have ultimate responsibility toward ourselves for our own spiritual well-being. Do we just see things skin deep, led on the nose by people of apparent authority, or we can choose to take charge of our beliefs and see them/understand them/exercise them for what they really are. Did God, in his Book, say that all believers will be granted nothing for good tidings? Or will they also be subjected to the same, if not harsher, challenges all men face, only now they have the Lord to turn to for refuge? I think it is more like the latter. From 1 Samuel and the many anecdotes in the Bible, bad things do happen to His people, even good people. However, I think that we can choose to believe that God also work through those very bad things, according to His ever mysterious plans that only time, if we even have the privilege to know, will tell.

Just as in the movie 'Signs' where Mel Gibson, as the priest Father Graham, eventually found his faith again after seeing how all the 'bad' things in his life were finally wove together in the happy, albeit climatic, ending, 1 Samuel continues to talk about how God intervenes and weaves the history of the Hebrews. In this, God's Grace never left us, as long as we remain steadfastly along the path of salvation.

Finally, I said all I said...as a spiritually driven, non-institutionalized believer. So...don't read too much into it.

Making friends with an Entrepreneur

Just had dinner with a friend/potential boss/potential client/veteran entrepreneur/a very rich dude. While he can take many forms to me, what I am to a person such as him becomes really questionable...when you really think about it.

Anyways, meeting up with him is always very instructive, both in the manner and the topics of our conversation. I am always very opinionated about how things are done, especially in the ways businesses are run and he, with all his years of experience will put my opinions to the test.

Of course there has to be something in it for the businessman. Other than seeking alternative opinions, which is of little value beside the many years of real life experience, it serves as a link to the ground level for extracting facts to populate business models which are always forming in his ever-active mind.

I guess the difference between an administrative business owner and an entrepreneurial one is that the latter will not hesitate to deep dive into the mess of details embedded within the ground zero of actual operational activities.

Naturally, in his search for facts, all those along the way are mostly tools and means, waiting to be harnessed to catapult the final equation or model into an actual business decision.

While living life on the receiving end may not seem all that pleasant but it does provide an interesting view into how this is done. One can just shrug it off as one of those privileges afforded only to the rich. Or, one can learn from the master at work.

Having said that...does one ever make friends with a true blue entrepreneur?

Hosting Chinese Officials

Chinese or mandarin is my mother tongue but I've never felt so stressed trying to use it. Almost sounded weird listening to myself.

I still remember a time when I had to seek refuge in a neighbouring 'bunk' because my military section had too many English sprouting Rafflesians and Victorians...

However, 4 years overseas and another 8 years of close interface with Ang Mohs at work had changed all that! These days, doing an company presentation to prospective clients from the Silicon Valley is like a stroll in the park...the words just come out automatically. I really can't say the same for Mandarin anymore...

Anyways, still have to do it. It's so amazing that so few Chinese can read and write Chinese nowadays.

A Father's Act

Attended a sermon on Father's Day and heard this interesting anecdote about the importance of a father's actions, no matter how insignificant it may seem to him.

It's also interesting that the sermon was delivered by Mrs. Kang, wife to Paster-in-Charge Rev Dr. Kang. It was during her trip to China when she heard this story from a certain old Mr. Chen.

"Old Mr. Chen was a kid during the Chinese Cultural Revolution. As his family was considered to be educated, they suffered a lot during those days, especially at the concentration camps. All these left an indelible mark on his mind and life. His father had a chance to escape but due to circumstances, only brought away with him the youngest of 8 children." When asked how he felt now about this, old Mr. Chen has nothing to say, and his eyes betray nothing of the sufferings he had gone through during his ordeal.

After this, Mrs. Kang brought up verse 24:14 of the Book of Joshua, which talks about how Joshua proclaimed his servitude to the Lord, no matter what the others might do:

 ¹⁴ "Now fear the LORD and serve him with all faithfulness. Throw away the gods your forefathers worshiped beyond the River and in Egypt, and serve the LORD. ¹⁵ But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your forefathers served beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD."

For a while, I really cannot understand the relationship between the anecdote about Mr Chen and the story about Joshua? Is it because the elder Mr Chen does not have a good relationship with God? Made wrong choice in selecting the youngest child? Maybe because he cannot afford all 8 of them? As Mrs Kang went on to talk about her childhood relationship with her father and how she found her Heavenly Father, I think I began to see....just a little.

The idea of a loving Father in God is a powerful concept in replacing what we don't have in our earthly father. The draw towards Christianity...

Perhaps the underlying reason is that all earthly fathers are ultimately humans at the mercy of changes and flux of the world. There is little they can do but everything they do have a huge impact on their families, especially their children. Mr Chen's father may not have a choice, but Mrs Kang's father arguably has one. In any case, it was definitely lucky of Mrs Kang to have found God and Reverend Kang, and eventually allowing her dad to find God.

I would say that everything starts in the mind...and constantly adjusting one's actions and affirmed by God's provisions in cases beyond one's capacity. Perhaps it's really divine intervention, more often than not, this leads to better lives and eventually changing lives of others. Of course that's if you believe in the faith of the One God, be it Christianity, Islam or Judaism.

Finally, coming back to the theme of the Sermon on this Father's Day. A father is the head of the household, a role decided for him by the patriachial society we live in, whether he likes it or not. So he has to choose his actions carefully. That is why a proven code is so important and Mrs Kang's advice is to first develop a relationship with God and seek His guidance.

Do you have a code?

Trying Wedding Gowns

Goodness gracious...we finally did it.

Something that all grown-ups have to go through eventually...that is, if they decide to pass through the final rites of adulthood: Getting married.

Okay...more so in our times. I just can't imagine my grandparents' generation having to go through the tortuous process of getting that perfect wedding gown, a key milestone in all wedding preparation, without which, apparently the wedding just cannot go on.

One would conclude that, after centuries of evolution, there cannot be anymore variation to the wedding gown. However, the girls continue to find subtle differences that easily escalated into the most heated discourse of how the fabric of the universe can be completely ripped apart by the subatomic cacophony of anti-fashion disruptions emanating from the wrong gown on the wrong person...

Okay, I digress.

Well, after pretty much tried out all the evening and wedding gowns My Dream Wedding has to offer, we've finally (I mean WE ALL INCLUDING THE SISTERS) agreed on 3 for the bride and 2 for the groom. So it was successful after all. Hooray.

Now, I dread the day of the shoot.

New Watches

Oops.

I guess I did it again. Was supposed to get my watch in Hong Kong next week but a seemingly innocent trip down to Isetan turned deadly...for my wallet. So I ended up few hundred bucks poorer and sporting a new watch from the Casio Sports Protrek series...

Guess I can use this to cook up an excuse for a trekking trip to the wilderness...:P Hah...like real, as if you-know-who will go with me.

Anyhow, works for me since I can be a little prone to mis-orientation every so now and then...and this one comes with a compass function.

Doing Japanese homework

In a little meeting room at my darling's office...

Actually I am not a very hardworking person, just oftentimes pushed by my duty to my pride. In any case, I will get my homework done. And I will get it right, at least to the best of my knowledge.

So, you might ask, do I still pursue Japanese when doing homework is such a chore. Actually I don't really know. Maybe it's that little part of me who didn't wanna give up on a skill I had set out more than 10 years ago to acquire, or just I wanted to feel that I am not rotting away in a job that really doesn't stimulate my mental faculties.

Maybe I should have taken up Nuclear Physics if that's the case.

Anyway, I still have one and half sections more to go...敬語, something that you use to talk to superiors, customers and people you need to boost egos of...so what's the inverse of that?